My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
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