so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
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