Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
