apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
everyone is single if you try hard enough
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
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