i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
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