So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
