maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
Randomize
