Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
Randomize
