Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
