Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
pop tarts are not kleenex
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
