I accidentally had phone sex last night
playing new game: drink everytime u see someone at the beach with a tramp stamp, double if u guess it before u see it, triple for male tramp stamps
warning: blackouts possible when playing in ocean city or anywhere in new jersey
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
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