repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
