If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
