It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
Randomize
