So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
Randomize