I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Randomize