i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Randomize
