bahahahaha i would laugh soo hard if someone did this for me hahahaha this guy would become my best friend
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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