Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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