I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
How naked do you want me to be?
Randomize
