dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
We were destined to go to rehab together
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
Randomize
