i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
