My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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