Contrary to popular belief, while 19 is an attractive age, it does not equate to sexual prowess.
that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
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