my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
