Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
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