so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
Randomize
