sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
