did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Randomize
