First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
