tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Randomize
