hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
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