someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
