fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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