FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
