She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
