My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
Randomize
