Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
Randomize
