i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
Randomize
