you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
Randomize