Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
I think I sprained my soul last night
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
