Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
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