I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
