You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
Randomize
