Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
we got sick of 7 11 doubles so we made up a game where you just drink when anyone rolls a 5
thats barely a game just flip a coin
should we drink on heads or tails?
Id pretty much put it in anything at this point. Jello. Dogs. 12 year old boys
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Randomize
