He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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