Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
I accidentally burped into my bong.
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
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