I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
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