My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
Randomize
