So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
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