buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
Randomize
