I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
