My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
dude i'm inner monologue high
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
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