I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Randomize
