mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
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