where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
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