Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
