I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
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