WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
Success! We fucked roommates!
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
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